Both wished it hadn't ended the way it had
by Cowboy misses his Rodeo
Summary: Harsh words, not those of love.Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar can never take back the awful last meeting they ever had.


"Try this one" snarled Jack "and _I'll_ say it just one time.

Tell you what, we coulda had a good life together, a real fucking good life.

You wouldn't do it Ennis so what we got now, Is Brokeback Mountain!, Everythings built on that. It's all we got, Boy, Fuckin' all, So I hope you know that if you don't never know the rest."

"Count the damn few times we been together in twenty years. Measure the fuckin' short leash you keep me on, then ask me about Mexico and then tell me you'll kill me for needin it and not hardly never gettin it.

You got no fuckin idea how bad it gets.

I'm not you.

I can't make it on a couple a high-altitude fucks once or twice a year.

You're too much for me, Ennis, you son of a whoreson bitch.

I wish I knew how to quit you!"

Jack's normal passive, calm persona had cracked and as he looked out at the lake, the lake he and his, what ever the hell Ennis was to him now, had been spending the week at.

Jack was so angry that Ennis had not told him about August.

November he had to wait, Fucking Novemeber, it was only June now, That was too long, too long to wait and not be expected to be angry.

There came whimpers and small moans of pain coming from behind him.

He couldn't turn around, He couldn't turn around and see the fallen man behind him, Crying like a child who had just been told off by his father.

He was sick of being the strong one, the one who seemed to be inisiating all the meetings of late.

Did Ennis even care anymore? Did he want to carry this on? Or did he just feel he had to because it had been so long and he felt trapt?

What ever the case Jack couldn't stand hearing Ennis crying. In the whole twenty years they'd been together he'd never once seen Ennis cry, He'd seen him upset about the devoice sure, seen traces of the tears that had streamed down his face when he'd been told he couldn't see his girls everyday but not once had Jack been there, hearing, seeing and feeling this man hurting because of him and maybe even for him.

Cracked, Broken words finally left Ennis' shaking body "Well, why don't you? Why don't you just let me be? It's because of you that I'm like this!" He bought his hands to his face, desperately trying to rub at his eyes, stopping the tears from falling. He so wanted what he'd just said not to be true but it was.

The reason he felt his heart was breaking was because of Jack. Because they'd met on an off chance. A chance in which fate decided the two young men should be drawn together. Jack was the reason his marriage had broken down, the reason he found himself in bed at night wondering what Jack was doing, zoning out on jobs, losing jobs, being sacked from jobs. Being so painfully in love (Though that word would NEVER be spoken aloud) that he felt that he may die before November.

"I ain't got nothing... I aint aint ain't nowhere... " Jack could hardly understand what he was saying.

Jack threw his hands up, Sighing, he had to do something, this man was dying in front of him.

"Ennis" he whispered as he walked over and tried wrapping his arms around the disturbed man

"Get the fuck off me!" Ennis wanted to be strong, wanted to stand on his own. Wanted to prove he didn't need Jack.

It was too late for that. He was lost, wishing some how way back when, maybe if he'd been strong enough, been brave enough then maybe they wouldn't of been in this mess.

Ennis was clawing at Jack now, needing to feel the love and care that he so desperately craved 24 hours a day, and not just for the week they were together, but forever.

"I can't stand being like this no more, Jack" he let his emotions out like a wave, crashing over him leaving him breathless and nervous.

He was trying to admit, somehow get his point around that Jack was wrong. He did know how it felt, and they were the same, Ennis did know what it was like to pine, wish Jack was in his trailer when he got back from work, was in his bed when he woke up with a start in the middle of the night.

The truth was. He did know how bad it got, all the time.  
A new wave of desperation and regret came over him as he replayed over and over again the last thing Jack had just said

_"I wish I knew how to quit you!"_

_"I wish I knew how to quit you!"_

_"I wish I knew how to quit you!"_

Jack, still with Ennis clinging to him like a newborn, thought of the time when out of nowhere Ennis had come up behind him, Seizing him in his arms and they'd just stood there silently in each other's company watching the firelight dance.

_Jack's eyelids drooping as sleep began to take hold, the feel of Ennis behind him being a good subsititude for a resting spot._

_Nothing sexual passing between them but something stronger, something niether could or wished to understand._

_"Now, You're sleeping on your feet like a horse" Ennis smiled though of course this wasn't seen by Jack who just mumbled a reply, not that of yes or no, but a mumble._

_Ennis snaked his arm across the front of Jack's chest gripping onto the collar of his coat, rubbing and running his hand along wool_

_"My mom use to say that ta me when I was little" Ennis whispered, his chin now resting on Jack's shoulder._

_"And sing..." He began a simple lullaby, slowly began rocking, swaying from side to side gently as Jack let himself be moved, to tired to protest, enjoying the moment too much to turn it into something it didn't have to be._

It was the first time they'd ever swtiched places. Ennis become the talker, the one expressing his thoughts and showing his feelings through his simple actions.

Jack being the listener, the thinker, the one who stood there, no words leaving his mouth.

Not wanting to spoil the moment in fear it would never happen again. It was that moment that Jack knew this was more then he could ever understand and something he was sure his heart and soul almost couldn't cope with. This power held over him that the other didn't even knew he held.

_"I gotta go" Ennis gripped tighter just for a second, Jack snugging ever so slighly back into Ennis' chest. Maybe subconciously asking him to stay, stay just five more minutes, but he knew Ennis wouldn't, couldn't because of those damn sheep._

_Ennis watched Jack give a small nod, showing his understanding. Still no words leaving his mouth._

_"See ya in the mornin'" and with that Ennis had let go, letting his arm slip slowly from around Jack, Leaving Jack with a lingering feeling of loss, not just because Ennis would be gone for the night but because that thing, that action would never again be repeated between them._

_He knew Ennis would never feel safe enough, never feel content enough to do that anywhere else._

_He turned around and watched Ennis walk to his horse, mount and ride off without a look back._

_Jack really believed at that point that he could of cried knowing that he would never have the relationship and be able to express his self in the way he wished he could with the man that was riding up the mountain out of sight._

And Jack was right. That thing, What ever it had been that cold night where Ennis expressed himself more then Jack felt he ever could with words, never happened again and Jack made sure that out of all the memories and time with Ennis, That. That simple yet emotional action was the one memory that he made sure he remembered vividly after all these years.

And once again he was stood alone watching that man move out of sight, this time not coming back in the morning, supposedly coming back in 7 months.

Though in reality that time never came.

Because Jack and Ennis never saw each other again.

The men with the tire irons made sure of that.


End file.
